WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
