she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We smell like vodka and hangover
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