Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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