What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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