So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
