and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
