so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
