I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
