come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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