If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
