I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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