I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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