so explain again why im purple
no
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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