wanna go halves on a baby?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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