My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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