The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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