White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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