your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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