I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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