I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
