The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
