hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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