i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
40s are totally the cure
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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