The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
