Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
