My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
