If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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