my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I AM VODKA MAN
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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