i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
