so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
