Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
