just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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