so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
where are you?
Hypothermia
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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