Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
