You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
