we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
