I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
