Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
