gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
