i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
