he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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