I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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