Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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