just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
