Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
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She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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