me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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