I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
