I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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