He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
