you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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