you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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