i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
