When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just want to make out with him forever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
